


Your memories aren't mine

by mabomanji



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Hugs, M/M, Memory Loss, Missions, Switching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-21
Updated: 2014-10-21
Packaged: 2018-02-22 02:47:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2491640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mabomanji/pseuds/mabomanji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After surviving the fall from the helicarrier Bucky's finally got his memories back and is eager to meet Steve. But fate is cruel and Steve lost all his memories of Bucky in the fall. When Fury asks Bucky to work with the Avengers their relationship seems over.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your memories aren't mine

When Steve looks directly at him and his eyes don’t even flinch, that’s when it’s the hardest. He always recognized him and longed for their eyes to meet before but now it’s like he’s looking at a total stranger and one he has no interest in whatsoever.

After the fall of the helicarrier everything changed but not how he predicted it. He saw Steve fall in the water and it was a revelation. After spending some time in the museum he started putting the pieces together, collecting little fragments of memory and most of them had Steve in them.

He came back to see Steve after spying on him and making sure it was safe to approach him. He took the man in a strong embrace, patting his back, so happy to meet him again. The blank look he gave him back just killed every hope he had at reconnecting with his friend. He just let the man go away without any words.

Fury came to him the first, trying to convince him to help this strange group that once saved New York. He didn’t work with Shield anymore, Shield was no more. But the heroes were still there, still ready to save the day. And Fury thought it could be beneficial for both Bucky and the Avengers if they worked together. The prospect of meeting so many people that could kill him for his work with Hydra did make him hesitate. But Steve was with them and he couldn’t help but want to be close to him even if he didn’t remember him at all.

He arrived at the Avengers tower with a little backpack and met Natasha first. They bonded immediately, what about Russian assassins with their memories being wiped out. She introduced him to everyone else and they all had a joke or a silly comment to make, it felt awkward but so close to how they reacted in the Howling Commandos that he felt at ease right away, joking as well.

But then he met Steve and he knew there was nothing to do except present himself again and extend a friendly hand. Everybody else froze in the room, they all knew their story and how badly Steve had fought to bring Bucky back only to end up forgetting everything about him due to his injuries after the fall of the helicarrier. The tragedy of the situation was clear to everyone but Steve and it was heart wrenching to see those two men from another time finally reunited but so far apart in the end. Steve shook the hand, a little apprehensive, looking at everyone’s serious face, not knowing how to react. He greeted this new member and tried a small smile, impressed by the strength in Bucky’s hand and his scowl. He didn’t understand why the man who embraced him out of the blue in the street was there and a part of their team.

Then everyone acted as normally as possible. No one tried to push Steve to remember things or to act differently towards Bucky but the atmosphere was tensed whenever they were together in the same room. Bucky wanted so badly to talk to Steve and reconnect with their old friendship but he could feel Steve’s shyness, the same he had whenever he met someone new back in the old days, the same he had with girls that tried to talk to him but didn’t like him very much. He felt his heart break at being treated just like someone who could threaten him or be mean to him. He wanted to shout at him that he’d never do anything to harm him. But how was he to know that for sure ? He didn’t know him.

So he stopped trying to talk altogether and just left Steve live his life with his new comrades. He himself enjoyed their company and often joked with them. Sam was a great help, he was wise and understanding to a point. He didn’t get why Bucky wasn’t going after Steve in full force, using punches on the guy to make him remember. He was sure Bucky was someone Steve would want to get back no matter what the cost. But Bucky shook his head every time. “He’s happy now why try to torture him to get his memories back?”

Easier said than done. He ached in the morning when he woke up knowing Steve would never recognize him and he ached in the evening when he went to bed after a day without any hint of progress. He couldn’t stay long with the group, their laughs were agreeable but Steve never laughed with him. But he was making efforts to always talk with Bucky and ask about his health. It was pleasant enough, a little bit too superficial and a real torture for Bucky. He wanted to shake him and tell him all his memories of their life together. But he just pretended to have something important to do and left him there a little surprised by this sudden departure.

It didn’t feel right, their connection was gone and every time he looked at him he could feel his hope was met with a great wall of ignorance. He felt awkward all the time around him and careful not to slip a word of their past life. It shortened their conversations to the minimum and prevented them from building something new.

The first spark of the possible beginning of a relationship came during a mission they had together. They worked perfectly on their own and easily took care of their parts but when they ended up fighting together against the last enemies before jumping on their helicopter, that’s the moment when something clicked inside Steve’s brain.

He fell under a huge blow that he diverted with his shield, he was stunned and almost passed out. Bullets were fired at him and he couldn’t defend himself anymore. That’s when Bucky stepped in and took the shield up in his hands, kneeling next to Steve to protect him. Their eyes connected and some kind of gratitude passed from Steve. Bucky froze under this look, finally a small hope. He rose then and fought the enemies, still protecting Steve behind him.

He moved forward, fighting his way to the last enemy and realized one was headed directly to Steve who just got to his feet. He threw the shield on the attacker and it bounced back to Steve’s hands who was pushed a little bit by the strength of the throw. Steve raised his head, astonished and looked directly at Bucky. Everything seemed familiar in this scene, the way he received the shield and the sad looking eyes of the man standing so far away from him and that he couldn’t recognize.

Steve didn’t have much time to try and think about those sensations that he had to get to the helicopter and go. Once he was sitting facing Bucky, still gripping his shield, he couldn’t stop looking at him. There was something he almost remembered, something just at the tip of his tongue that he knew everything about, and it was hiding in that man facing him, looking at him expectantly. He suddenly didn’t want to disappoint the man, he wanted to talk to him and tell him his most inner thoughts. It was frightening, he didn’t know him at all but it felt suddenly like it was the closest person in his life. He frowned intensely for the rest of the flight and Bucky didn’t flinch under his stare but looked right back at him, the tension immeasurable between them.

When they arrived they both looked like they were waking up from a dream. They just got back inside, both walking towards their rooms which were close to each other. Steve stopped and turned to face him “Bucky…” extending the shield for him to take. He was a little bit nervous but grabbed the shield, a question in his eyes, not knowing what he wanted with this. Steve walked to him and took him in his arms, the shield between them. He squeezed Bucky hard and apologized at the same time. “I don’t know why i’m doing this i’m sorry, it’s just… I can’t help it, my body aches for your touch” The words sent shivers all the way down Bucky’s spine and he just let the shield fall and roll at the end of the corridor while he took Steve in his arms, letting himself go a little, caressing his back and hiding his face in his neck, showing his affection after such a long time hiding it. Steve was surprised by this display but it felt so right, his body reacted instinctively and he hugged him even more.

“Tell me” Steve asked softly after a while, when they were sitting together on the couch in the living room. “Tell me what i don’t remember, i want to know who you are.”

Bucky hesitated a little, watching Steve’s serious face, wondering if it was alright to be selfish this time. “I… My name is James Buchanan Barnes. And i am your best friend.”


End file.
